Anger Gets A Bad Wrap

Do you have friends who post inspirational quotes and cute sayings as their Facebook updates from time to time? I do. Often worth a read, one went up the other day that didn't ring entirely to true for me. It said:

"Life is short ...live it. ♥ Love is rare... grab it. Anger is bad... dump it. Fear is awful... face it. Memories are sweet....cherish them."

Some nice sentiments but I think anger gets a bad wrap. It can provide the extra energy you need sometimes to propel you forward. Anger directed AT someone - including self - can be destructive but generalised anger... Not bad. Cleansing, motivating, powerful, useful when well placed.

I can't help but that think that anger is one of those gifts we have been given as part of the evolutionary process... it is designed to get us out of a bad place at the right time, to give us the motivation and power to react differently... An unknown adult disciplining your child in the playground causing you to run to the rescue, a boss who has had an unjustifiable harsh word to say just once too often and finally gets a piece of your mind (or a resignation?), an abusive spouse who crosses some imaginary line and triggers a new reaction in the abusee (to resolve to leave at the most prudent time) - to give rather random examples.

Many people though, live with anger. They do not use it but are used BY it. Anger controls them. It causes them to be people they don't want to be, say and do things they regret, creates isolation and separation from the people they love most. That kind of anger... bad news. No evolution there: pain and hurt instead.

No point suppressing it or denying it though. If anger shows up - in it's most positive, motivating form or its damaging, dangerous form - it's a wonderful clue that right there, in that moment, you have an opportunity for transformation. Taking a look at your shadow self and getting to know him or her can actually be a gateway to great joy - it puts you in the position to choose light or dark, old ways of being or the new.

If you can put anger to work, understand your triggers and do something constructive with the massive emotions that sit there, you can create a whole new life for yourself, a life where angers works FOR you as a positive, transforming force, not rules you.

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Practicing gratitude... a quick "how to"!

If we want to be able to kick a goal or play the guitar well we have to practice but how often do you consciously choose to practice being grateful? Why would you? Of all the things I've read and crazy things I have tried this is the one simple trick I have learned that is not just instantly gratifying but, over time, profoundly life improving!

Maybe you don't feel grateful for very much? Life may have dealt you one too many hard blows. Plenty of people feel pretty knocked around by life, or ground down by the rat race or are simply heart broken or devastated in some other way. That's okay - with this little experiment it's good to start small! Ease yourself in...

This is not a mind game - we're not talking about spinning things so they have a positive twist, mastering your mind and learning to talk like some self-help apostle.

This is not about smoke and mirrors, positive self talk or any of that other stuff - which can all be useful and has its place. This is about tapping into and acknowledging a genuine feeling. Something that is already in you but does't get a lot of air play. A sincere honest "thank you" that you don't have to force or talk yourself into... we're just working at getting into the habit of actually acknowledging the good stuff that unfolds in your life. Even just the tiniest things.

Some easy ways to begin may be: "thank you for giving me that parking space when I was runnng late", "thank you for this glorious sunny day!", "thank you for putting such a sweet old lady next to me on the bus today", "thanks for letting me get inside the house before it started to rain", "thanks for giving me such adorable children", "thanks for letting me be born in this country", "thanks for saving me $1 a kilo for those tomatoes today" etc...

It's takes a little time - a moment of reflection as life unfolds - to get into the swing of practicing gratitude. It requires that as something good happens you take that time to go "Ah! Thank you!". Who (or what) you choose to thank is up to you - maybe God or Allah or the Universe or Mother Mary or Krishna or Isis or the Archangel Michael or... (you get the idea!)...

...but instantly, the moment you stop, observe and acknowledge that particular gift, big or small, something happens in you: you feel grateful... and peace and happiness follow close behind. Magic.

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Allowing yourself to feel good

There is a school of thought that suggests we have been put on this planet to feel good - so if happiness is our birth-right then why do so many people refuse to allow themselves to feel good? It's a tad pathological, don't you think? Ah but human beings! We are such contrary creatures - we get lost in a maze of duty, expectations, dreams and what, right here right now, makes us feel tremendously nourished and well. We lie to ourselves. We find excuses for not doing those things we love with the people we love when we want to... gotta go to work, gotta be a doctor or a lawyer, gotta tidy the house, return that phone call, mow the lawn, finish that presentation for the boss...

What if - today - you DIDN'T swallow the impulse to do something your heart is telling you it really wants to do ("get a kitten!"; "take the day off and go for a surf!"; "enrol in a dance class!")... what if - just for today - you ALLOWED yourself to hear what your heart is saying, didn't judge, didn't tell it to be quiet, and just went along for the ride. Just for today. Tomorrow is not your concern just yet.

Sounds scary? If you need a bit of inspiration take a look at the book by Danny Wallace called "Yes Man" - about a guy who, for a dare, started to say yes...

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Quote - Alex Noble: "spirit of the journey"

I came across this quote today and although I have read similar things before for some reason this quote, today, resonated with me. "Success is not a place at which one arrives but rather the spirit with which one undertakes and continues the journey."

Lately I have been thinking very carefully about the concept of intention and being careful how I apply it. I guess it is a type of "mindfulness". Before I repsond to an email, a text message, a comment I have been catching myself and checking in to see if the spirit in which I am about to respond is concurrent with my values.... in simple terms: is my intenetion good!!!!? Am I wishing that person well? Am I expressing compassion? Practicing gratitude?

If the answer is "yes" I proceed. If not... well... I consider why.

It's quite interesting taking the time to ponder the "not". I am learning a lot about myself, and suddenly I find I have choices I didn't have before. I can consciously choose what to work on and what I am putting out into the world.

As I get better at it, hopefully the good stuff I am intending will be amplified and the "not-so-good" stuff will fall away. And what a fun game to be playing! Goodness knows where it could lead!

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Crazy happy silly - playful ways to make yourself instantly happier

I loved the opening lines of the editorial for Frankie (issue No. 24) by editor Jo Walker: "Sometimes tiny changes can have a big impact. When I was younger my friends and I had a game where we'd all get in the car and drive around wearing swimming caps - those floral ones that nannas wear, with the plastic daisies and bumpy bits. It was the exact same thing we did every day, except with did it in silly hats. It was hilarious."

Having a well-developed sense of the silly can really brighten up your day. All kinds of other things may be happening in your life that - in that moment - you may have a limited ability to resolve... but with a simple, funny, silly, playful indulgance, for second or two you can have some relief: a quick giggle.

For some people, the silly hat might do it, dyeing your tea blue might do it, wearing a tattoo transfer to your next family gathering might do it, or tagging your wife with a texta while she watches TV might do it... whatever! Believe it or not, no matter how grown up and serious we get, we all still have an innate sense of the ridiculous. When we allow ourselves to be a little bit playful a whole new aspect of our day can open up...

Back soon... just going to do a couple of quick chicken walks round the yard...

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Time and peace: gifts money can't buy

It took me 28 minutes this morning to find out that my date of death is either 28 November 2058 (findyourfate.com) or 28 November 2074 (deathclock.com). Curious both gave me the same day but different years. Being a fairly logical person I worked out what the average was (95 years) and have contented myself with that... but what if it is only 87 years, as foretold by findyourfate? What if I really only have 18,047 days, 4 hours and 36 minutes to go... I mean 35, 34, 33... gosh by now it must be just 18,047 days, 4 hours and 30 minutes to go!!! Heck! What am I doing! The days of my life are just ticking away!!!

That is, of course, what the makers of those death calculators want you to think: "time is precious; what am I doing with the time given to me?" They also want to sell you vitamin supplements and change jobs and make some kind of general attempt to change your lot in life by buying one of their sponsors' products. And that's okay 'cause the calculators are kind of fun.

Did you know that the average life expectancy in the West is 84 for women and 78 for men? In America the life expectancy is 81 (women) and 75 (men). How many weekends do you have left?

We spend so much time working, sleeping, eating, grooming, shopping, caring for the family, letting off steam with our friends... how much time is left after "the basics" are taken care of? If you enjoy the work you do then it's not lost time... but so many people don't.

It is my firm belief that a mastery of time is key to personal peace and satisfaction. If you feel good about how you spend your time - and are consiously choosing where - chances are that when you get to the end of the road you'll be content with your life - and will probably have made a huge contributon to the world in some way.

I know some very successful business people and all of them guard their time as if it was a suitcase full of gemstones. For them, time is their most precious asset; without time they have nothing - no opportunity to create their vision, nor experience the benefits of health or wealth. (I suspect that this respect for time has contributed in a very large way to their successes.)

Perhaps if we all thought a little longer about how we spend our time we'd be more content and find ourselves in a more peaceful, happier world. And I do mean "spend" - no matter who you are or how much you have at your disposal, your time is one thing money can't buy back.

In the next 24 hours you have 1440 minutes to spend... how will you do it? Who on? Where? Why? Ah, the big questions...


(The 35 minutes it took me to write that was my gift to YOU! With love)

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Quote - Anthony Robbins: moments of decision

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped"- Tony Robbins. You may think you are making decisions all the time - and you are - but not the big ones. Look back over the last five to 10 years. Can you make a list of the signifcant decisions that you have made? What was the impact? How did your life change as a result? What did you learn? You'll probably be amazed to discover how dramatically things shifted from before to after. Hopefully for the better!

Right now, though, are you making decisions? Is there some decision you are putting off? Do you have some inner yearning that you keep putting on hold?

Only when we take decisive action and open ourselves up to randomness (also known as "taking a leap of faith"!) can miracles unfold... Perhaps, in the queue for miracles, you're up next! But if you don't show up to collect it, then how will you know?

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Three single girls in a bar

Attractive, interesting, hard-working single women invest a lot of time wondering why they haven't been snapped up by a decent guy. Is it a "man drought"? I don't think so. One Friday night a few weeks ago I was out with some friends. The room was full, guys and girls out and about seeking connection. The conversation turned to men and the desires of my girlfriends to find a partner.

I was listening with one part of my brain and observing with the other. They were animated, passionate, sincere. One girl was dating a guy who was completely inappropriate: "Oh, no way! He's not for me." She told us a few things about him and we were outraged: "But that's not respectful! You deserve to be treated better than that!". Yet she sees him maybe five nights a week... We suggested she wasn't leaving space in her life to meet someone who was "for her".

"I know," she said, "But it kind of suits me for now. I'm going to break up with him after he gets back from his holiday at the end of the month."

Someone else chipped in with her story. Upset, mis-match, disappointment... etc etc yadda yadda blah blah blah. Let's face it - if it was true love they'd have been living happily ever after right?

Just near us at the other end of the table, a group of neatly dressed, talkative and seemingly friendly guys were sitting. They kept looking our way. The girls were oblivious. They had formed a huddle around the table.

"Those guys keep looking our way. Should we open up the circle so they can join in?" I suggested. A couple of friends of friends had arrived. There were now six girls sitting together.

"Those guys?" said one friend, Sally. "None of them are my type."

Oh.

But then, neither is the guy she is dating. (And what if one of them WAS the type of one of her friends?)

Suddenly, things became very clear to me.

Firstly, more women are born than men. Men are more likely to die between the ages of 19 and 34 than women due to misadventure. Men are very clear about many of their desires - for example, they like sex and work out very early on that the best way to get it regularly is to have a girlfriend or partner (even if she is not their perfect match).

At the same time, a whole generation of women have been educated, created careers, and entered the workforce with fewer barriers - in work and life - than their mothers before them. They work hard and often long hours. They get home tired. Their needs and expectations have changed but they retain a romantic view of love. Hurt once or twice they shut down, close themselves off. The no longer seek to lock eyes with someone across a crowded room. Instead, they wait in the corner of a bar with their backs turned huddled together waiting for some shining knight to walk up, tap them on the shoulder and say "I could tell from the way your hair hangs down your back that you and I were made for each other - can I give you my number and take you out for coffee sometime?"

Not going to happen.

I felt sorry for the guys we were sitting near. Okay, so they were loud and maybe not our type but they were having a good time, and clearly a couple of them in particular were keen to meet someone. Why else did they keep looking our way, making friendly gestures?

The girls were clear that they wanted a partner. Step 2, as I saw it that night, was to open up enough to allow some kind of connection - even a superficial laugh in a crowded bar with a random stranger who is "not your type". With practice, who knows, maybe eventually they'll discover a genuine and lasting connection or fabulous friendship.

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"I hate my job", he said.

A friend of mine is so unhappy with his job he thinks death is a better option, but he feels obligated to stick it out - he has car payments to make, debts to pay, responsibilities. I was speaking with him the other day and I found the conversation very alarming. Even his doctor had suggested he seek additional help - medication, counselling or similar. "Is Prozac the answer to everything?" my friend asked.

Okay, so he doesn't want to turn to drugs, and he knows that by not making one of two choices right now he is putting his life at risk: quit the job or take the drugs. To an outsider the answer may be obvious - get a new job - but I really felt for him: sometimes when we are "in it" we either can't see the solution or can't find the motivation to act on what we know we "should" do.

As we spoke - and a short conversation turned into a very long one - it became clear to me that as trapped as he felt by his job, he also felt trapped by his life. He was living in a world of expectations - and, in his view, not living up to those expectations. Not only did he have a very heavy workload in a nasty environment for not enough money, he was comparing himself to his friends and family and - in his own eyes - falling way short of the mark.

I asked him if perhaps he could sell the car, given the car payments were a major burden that kind of perpetuated his need to stay in an unpleasent, unrewarding job. "Oh no no no! I can't sell the car!" he said. To me this seemed illogical - keep the car but kill himself? A very extreme case of not being able to see the wood for the trees... Because let's not get confused about this: depression can be fatal. Just like a heart attack. It is not to be taken lightly.

So here I was, in the middle of a very intense conversation with someone I care about trying to help him towards some kind of "light-bulb" moment. I came to understand that his beautiful car was actually the only thing that gave him any self-esteem. Lose the job, lose the car; but lose the car and lose his primary source of wellbeing. Which was a kind of death anyway.

Tricky.

I'm not sure if he had a light bulb moment but I did: I realised that when we narrow our vision and seek our joy (or find hope) in just one or two things or people or situations we make ourselves vulnerable to despair. When other things stop going well (or our expectations are not met) we feel trapped... and we are, kind of, because we have backed ourselves into a corner... we have created a situation where perhaps that one source of joy (no matter how amazing) is not enough to balance out some of the really yucky other stuff.

And yet, can you see the flip side? We may NOT have created the situation at work, in our marriage, family or community but we DID create the situation that narrowed our opportunities for joy, and because we were a creator in one way, we also have a possibility for creating something new if what we created before is no longer sustaining us.

My friend is still struggling - a very close friend of his died tragically recently (yet another blow) - but my friend has a new hobby. He is playing in a band, just mucking around on weekends in someone's garage mostly. He loves it, and he's quite good. Slowly, he is building up his repotoire for joy.

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Three single girls in a bar
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Dinner with friends

When was the last time you got all the people who care about you, and all the people you care about, together in the same room? Was it your wedding day? A 21st? Or was the last time you saw those special people incidental, a fortunate coincidence, at a naming day or the funeral of a relative, or Friday nights drinks someone else pulled together?

How odd it is we choose to live our lives apart from our loved ones: our day-to-day committments can so easily keep us separated. Is what we do every day really so important that we feel justified putting our priority people second to the grind?

And yet, with a little bit of effort, and a whole lot of openess, it's easy enough to find an excuse to get people together. A birthday, moving house, a rainy Friday, a sunny Sunday, a festival.... anything! All we have to do is choose a date, name the place, and let people know. Looking across a table or around a room at people who make you feel good, who are 100% FOR you, and vice versa is a fantastic buzz. It makes you feel connected, part of something bigger, more significant, special.

And creating that vibe, gathering those friends together, feeling loved and connected in that way... well, it might even change your life.

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Volunteering in Africa - Kiandu School

Some friends of mine are in Africa at the moment trying to help a local community by improving the situation for students and teachers at the local school. I admire their drive and committment. Of course, not everyone has the time, energy or money, to go to a new country and throw themselves into that kind of volunteer work. Others may even feel their enthusiasm is misguided and should be directed at activities closer to home. Whether you are interested in foreign aid or charity work in your home town, you may still find their story inspiring. Here's a link to the Kiandu School blog by Matt and Mel.

If you'd like to donate I am sure they would appreciate the help. They are currently building toilets, a library, putting desks into the staff room, and hope to put floors into the classrooms. For the town, clean water is also a big deal.

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I love colouring in! What do you love?

I've been trying to think outside the square of late about very simple things that give me joy.

I have always loved colour. I am very good with colour - mixing paints, picking thread etc. I was preparing for a short trip and buying supplies from the supermarket - while walking through the "party" aisle the children's books caught my eye. I decided to splash out - for a whole $2.93 I bought myself a sea creatures colouring-in book and 50c packet of textas. My inner child was very excited. I spent a large part of the next week, when I needed some happy, quiet time, colouring in piano-playing octopus, mermaids facing-off against sharks, and goofy Nemo-style fish with cheesy smiles. It gave me great joy... and I also found it a very easy way to switch off my super-busy mind.

I think it is easy as adults to get carried away with the mind and loose touch with our hearts. Is there something you love, some simple, "unproductive", even silly thing, that you never give yourself permission to do?

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Finding joy in each day: my new year's resolution

I decided that in 2009 I would make a note in my things-to-do diary of the event, thought, observation or gesture - large or small - that gave me joy on that day. It's only been three months but already I can look back and between the personal admin commands of "pay rent", "go to doctor" and "call accountant" I can read my "joy notes" and remember the things that made me happy each day. That way I get a second serve of happiness.

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