Allowing Love In Your Life

Have you ever had such an intense desire for love that you almost felt your bones would shatter for the lack of it? Perhaps you were going through a divorce, a nasty break up, facing the death of a loved one. At these critical times, our need can be so profound we fear we may not even survive it. At other times, as we go about our day, a feeling of lack or absence or loneliness may walk beside us. It may be a vague feeling we can't quite name, a niggling sense that all is not quite what we hoped, or more extreme, if loneliness has a firm grip over us.

It is hard at these times to accept that love is all around us, waiting for a signal from us so it can flood into our lives, and also hard to "be" the love you so desperately seek in order to "attract it in". Self-help books can be wonderful but sometimes we stand so far from where we want to be it can seem like an impossible dream to even dredge up a smile! Let alone manifest a whole universe of happy happy joy joy.

I've been thinking a lot about "attraction" in the Ester and Jerry Hicks, "The Secret", sense of the word. It kind of puts YOU in the centre of things - where you can create the enviroment needed to have a magical life evolve from where you are here and now. The theory goes that when you are a vibrational match for whatever it is you desire that is what appears.

I have great respect for Ester and Jerry Hicks. I get their daily quotes and find they often speak to me in ways that so many others do not. But for me, what I've observed is that at a certain point it's no longer about attracting, it's about allowing...

Humans. Crazy creatures. Here we are desperately desiring this, that and the other, and then, when it comes knocking at our door, we bolt like a scared rabbit in the other direction. New job: "I'm not ready to move just yet"; Gorgeous date: "she's too good for me" / "he was too nice"; Business opporunity: "I want to do my Masters next year, sounded too full on"....

So here's a challenge for you: imagine for a moment that it's safe to love.

We're assuming you have done the work and are capable of giving and sharing the kind of love you dream of. What if, now, you simply say "yes" when the opportunity for friendship, companionship, a friendly chat, any kind of warm and generous human exchange comes your way? And bigger still, what if the unexpected turns up one day and instead of running you simply allow love to in? Tired of waiting? Shift focus from "attracting" and invest more effort in "allowing".

Loving and being loved may be easier than you think.


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Three single girls in a bar

Attractive, interesting, hard-working single women invest a lot of time wondering why they haven't been snapped up by a decent guy. Is it a "man drought"? I don't think so. One Friday night a few weeks ago I was out with some friends. The room was full, guys and girls out and about seeking connection. The conversation turned to men and the desires of my girlfriends to find a partner.

I was listening with one part of my brain and observing with the other. They were animated, passionate, sincere. One girl was dating a guy who was completely inappropriate: "Oh, no way! He's not for me." She told us a few things about him and we were outraged: "But that's not respectful! You deserve to be treated better than that!". Yet she sees him maybe five nights a week... We suggested she wasn't leaving space in her life to meet someone who was "for her".

"I know," she said, "But it kind of suits me for now. I'm going to break up with him after he gets back from his holiday at the end of the month."

Someone else chipped in with her story. Upset, mis-match, disappointment... etc etc yadda yadda blah blah blah. Let's face it - if it was true love they'd have been living happily ever after right?

Just near us at the other end of the table, a group of neatly dressed, talkative and seemingly friendly guys were sitting. They kept looking our way. The girls were oblivious. They had formed a huddle around the table.

"Those guys keep looking our way. Should we open up the circle so they can join in?" I suggested. A couple of friends of friends had arrived. There were now six girls sitting together.

"Those guys?" said one friend, Sally. "None of them are my type."

Oh.

But then, neither is the guy she is dating. (And what if one of them WAS the type of one of her friends?)

Suddenly, things became very clear to me.

Firstly, more women are born than men. Men are more likely to die between the ages of 19 and 34 than women due to misadventure. Men are very clear about many of their desires - for example, they like sex and work out very early on that the best way to get it regularly is to have a girlfriend or partner (even if she is not their perfect match).

At the same time, a whole generation of women have been educated, created careers, and entered the workforce with fewer barriers - in work and life - than their mothers before them. They work hard and often long hours. They get home tired. Their needs and expectations have changed but they retain a romantic view of love. Hurt once or twice they shut down, close themselves off. The no longer seek to lock eyes with someone across a crowded room. Instead, they wait in the corner of a bar with their backs turned huddled together waiting for some shining knight to walk up, tap them on the shoulder and say "I could tell from the way your hair hangs down your back that you and I were made for each other - can I give you my number and take you out for coffee sometime?"

Not going to happen.

I felt sorry for the guys we were sitting near. Okay, so they were loud and maybe not our type but they were having a good time, and clearly a couple of them in particular were keen to meet someone. Why else did they keep looking our way, making friendly gestures?

The girls were clear that they wanted a partner. Step 2, as I saw it that night, was to open up enough to allow some kind of connection - even a superficial laugh in a crowded bar with a random stranger who is "not your type". With practice, who knows, maybe eventually they'll discover a genuine and lasting connection or fabulous friendship.

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Dinner with friends

When was the last time you got all the people who care about you, and all the people you care about, together in the same room? Was it your wedding day? A 21st? Or was the last time you saw those special people incidental, a fortunate coincidence, at a naming day or the funeral of a relative, or Friday nights drinks someone else pulled together?

How odd it is we choose to live our lives apart from our loved ones: our day-to-day committments can so easily keep us separated. Is what we do every day really so important that we feel justified putting our priority people second to the grind?

And yet, with a little bit of effort, and a whole lot of openess, it's easy enough to find an excuse to get people together. A birthday, moving house, a rainy Friday, a sunny Sunday, a festival.... anything! All we have to do is choose a date, name the place, and let people know. Looking across a table or around a room at people who make you feel good, who are 100% FOR you, and vice versa is a fantastic buzz. It makes you feel connected, part of something bigger, more significant, special.

And creating that vibe, gathering those friends together, feeling loved and connected in that way... well, it might even change your life.

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